treachery.

bellingham was recently covered in a light layer of fluffy, harmless, happy-looking snow.
wrong.
bellingham was pelted with frigid and relentless snow that turned into one giant, very unfriendly sheet of ice.
walking across campus is what i imagine walking the plank was like. you know that your death is approaching, but that blindfold keeps you from knowing exactly when. i see the ice. i feel the ice. i know that more of my body than I want is soon going to feel the ice when i careen out of control, off of my feet, and onto that menacing layer of frozen death.

ah, to be back in fall, when the streets weren't laden with ice, but leaves.

drowned in sound.

johnny is coming to seattle. i would be so excited if i wasn't so depressed about it. he's coming to the high dive, which happens to be a 21+ venue. why why why why why?!?!
there are only a few people in life that i would pay copious amounts of money to see live. those would be: rob thomas and johnny flynn. end of story.
tickets for johnny flynn are only 12 dollars. you can't beat that. however, it wouldn't matter if i paid 1200 dollars because i have yet to reach the magical age of 21 where everything is fair game and i am considered adult enough to enter bars to hear my favorite musicians play music.
this is so infuriating to me. i don't drink. i never have. i'm not interested in getting wasted in your bar. i just want to hear one of my favorite musicians play music in a town that he rarely comes to. fucking hell. .
asdlfkjaslgjlkajssdgkljlksaflsadsfd. i guess i'll catch you next time johnny.

NaNoWriMo

4 days til NaNoWriMo.

I have never attempted anything like this before, but I am so, so, so excited by the challenge.
The challenge is to write a novel in a month. 50,000 words in 30 days.
This is an annual event that I hadn't heard of until a few days ago, but I am SO in.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

sign up. it will be awesome.

p.s. if you actually make the 50,000 words and submit it, they will publish one copy of your book for free! you will be a real author! sweeeeet. do it.

(if you decide to do it, or even if you don't, you can "friend" me, or just follow my word count if you are interested! my username is "hmppalindromic" )

the streets of bc.

The streets have a different beat in Vancouver. Not slower, not faster. More melodic, perhaps. More alive.

-----
yadrutaS

Amy and I decided to leave the country for a while.
The border patrol really aren't the friendliest.
"Have you ever been paid to transport drugs over the border? Have you ever been caught with narcotics in your vehicle? I'm not talking personal amounts, I'm talking kilos, pounds."
$18.75 for parking. After an hour of driving around for cheaper parking, we paid $18.75.
We were near the place that would come to haunt me.
Right next to the Vogue Theatre. The venue where Mumford & Sons would put on a badass show only a few hours later. The show that I tried to get tickets for. The show I couldn't get tickets for.
The streets have a different beat in Vancouver. Not slower, not faster. More melodic, perhaps. More alive.
We tried Blenz coffee. The Canadian coffee chain. I got an Americano. Ironic, I know.
Tasted like hot water with a few tablespoons of drip coffee. Not impressed.
The amount of street performers are pretty staggering.
Irish Pubs abound.
Everyone is very fashionable- especially the men.
We couldn't get a table for dinner because the UFC fight was being shown in every bar and in every restaurant in town.
Those Canadians love to watch people get beaten up. With fists or hockey sticks alike.
The streets have a different beat in Vancouver. Not slower, not faster. More melodic, perhaps. More alive.
"Did you do any shopping while you were in Vancouver? No?"
"Welcome home"

turning left

walking down the front porch steps and into the alley, i felt like the world was open to me. my first step would lead me to where i wanted to go, and i could go anywhere. the sun was deceiving; it was bitingly cold. if i turned right, i could walk straight into a world of mind-numbing familiarity: campus, library, the mundane trappings of the absolutely ordinary. turning left wouldn't magically lead me into a world unexplored, but it would lead me into a world less familiar. that is what i wanted. that is all i ever want. out of the ordinary. something that will surprise me, interest me, distract me from the patterned life that i have created for myself. encounters are what i long for. running into friendly strangers that i can talk to for hours. walking into a cafe as myself and walking out as a character from an indie comedy. stumbling upon something great - a new band, an artist, a picnic in the park. something to throw a wrench in the routine that has become a burden; a stumbling block. however, by turning left i don't find the quirky encounters that i so dream of. i come home a few bucks poorer and the same person i was when i left.

life, love, heart, treasure.

Where you invest your love, you invest your life. - Mumford & Sons, Awake My Soul

This line strikes me. Its unfailingly true. The place where you invest all of you love and time, you are going to also invest your life in it.

Matthew 6:21 has someone extremely similar to say, which makes me like Mumford & Sons even more:

"Where you invest your treasure, you also invest your heart" or "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"

Even Jesus agrees. Or perhaps, Marcus Mumford agrees with Jesus. Either way, they are in concordance.

Eventually, the things that we spend time on become the things most important in our lives. Maybe we wish that they weren't, but the truth is, when we make something a priority and pour our time, money, and energy into those things, it is a strong indication of where our hearts lie. Every time.

eduardo

"sorry, but my prada's at the cleaners, along with my hoodie and my 'fuck you' flip-flops - you pretentious douchebag!" - eduardo, the social network

cb

4/19/94 - 9/15/2010

and i'm shown once again that life is precious; fleeting.

cody botten had it all. an amazing family, great friends, unbelievable talent in so many areas, good looks, and a seemingly unfailing passion for life. the "what ifs" can easily surround and drown us. what if i told him one more time that i loved him? what if he believed me? what if we showed him how much he had to live for? what if i was nicer to him that one day? what if he didn't think those thoughts that were invisibly consuming him, while the rest of us stood on in complete ignorance?

for some reason, it wasn't enough for him, this life. or maybe it was just too much for him. his motives will forever remain unknown while the "why"s and "what if"s of life consume the ones he left behind.

was his pain so intense that he couldn't see the enormous amount of love that so many people had for him? if he didn't see it then, he can damn sure see it now. but now, its too late. he is up with god, shooting hoops with dennis. he can see the packed gym that was the place of his memorial. he can see the tears that were shed from the first moment to the last. he can see the amount of people whose lives that he touched in the many moments he had here on earth. would he take his decision back if he knew the outcome? would he see the pain that his death has caused so many and realize that he was so incredibly loved? would he see what i saw? anthony brilliantly and strongly speaking about his last encounter with his best friend? his dad completely breaking down and his brothers falling apart when the pictures began?

i have been to more funerals and memorials than i would have ever cared to. nothing has moved me more than this one. cody was beautiful. seemingly happy. his smile was so bright; one of those smiles that reached his eyes and lit up the room. the love that he had for his brothers was intense and palpable. the love that surrounded his family is a once-in-a-lifetime love. now his family is broken; reeling.

i would hope that we learn something from this tragedy. it kills me that cody's life is diminished to a lesson. he had so many other things to learn and to teach, but his life taught us to love deeply and fiercely. to show others how much they mean to us. to not take life for granted. to play hard and love hard. to value family and surround yourself with the ones you love. cody's death taught us how to live.

i know that his pain is gone now. his human struggles have been taken away by his creator. he believed deeply in the love and grace of jesus. now they are reunited, and cody is more beautiful now than he ever was in life, which is almost unthinkable.

cody - you were so loved. maybe you didn't know this that night, but i know you know it now. i loved watching you play basketball, mr. hustle. :) i know that i will see you again, and i know that you will undoubtedly be the most skilled basketball player on heaven's team.

untimely occasion

Murderous plots, bribes, chaos ensues
Abandon the heart and put kings in their tombs

In a moment it's gone: Life's quick usurpation
No joy follows death in untimely occasion

The sureness of stillness; the pact of the end
Try as we might it won't lead Time to bend

No power, no title, nor earthly appeal
Can grant us more years or give us more zeal

One thing that's assured as much as our breath
Is the taking away of assurance by Death

We look past the humanly errors occured
To blame the Maker and shun the Word

When the end rolls around its always the same
Flowers to send and the Father to blame

Ladder of death we descend rung by rung
Til the last breath is had and the last song is sung

Some lead to the end of a life long and full
But life without heartache is empty and dull

Some lead to the ultimate states of despair
The slash of the wrist or a noose in the air

Some lead to the battlefield, foxholes and war
The honor in death hits home to the core

Limitless are the ways we meet the creator
Our paths are not altered; not shorter nor straighter

At birth, the length of our ladders are set
We can't change the future, on that you can bet

want

I don't want to be a cat-lady who is alone forever.
I really, really don't.

again?

we are yet again in that time of seasonal transition and i fear that i have taken for granted my favorite seasons of the year. for as i speak, i am looking out the window at the glaring sun and wishing that it was once again october, the month that marks the beginning of the 6 month stretch of weather that i hold so dear. the rain, the snow, the wind, the absolute disregard for sunglasses and sunscreen. but those months have come to an end and now i dread the impending five. but it is starting, and there is nothing i can do except buy some sunglasses and trudge along.

lie la lie

its daunting to think of everything i don't know.

its equally daunting to think of everything i know and wish i didn't.

bob seger once said, "wish i didn't know now what i didn't know then."
oh, bob. how right you are.

i'm learning a lot about myself recently.

i want life to reflect what i see in movies. this desire only ever makes everything that actually does happen a disappointment. i've been so affected and tainted by movies, books, television, the general media, that i want my life, and the world around me to be some big fairytale. but it just isn't. and that is surprisingly disappointing and hard for me to accept.

there is just so much that i don't understand, and i don't like that.

i'm fascinated by love. it absolutely 100% boggles my mind. i want to know everything about why people love who they do, how they show love, and why love never seems to be enough. the craving for human connection, whether it be in the form of relationships or friendships, is so base and fundamental, yet is absolutely the most complicated aspect of our lives.

a friend said something that really hit me yesterday. she said, "it is really difficult to realize that i have to call home in order to talk to someone who really cares about what is going on in my life." that statement was so heartbreaking but so accurate to so many of us. i was thinking about this, and i realized that i don't have someone that i can cry with and tell everything to. i just don't have that person. honestly, i haven't needed that yet in my life, but when the time comes, i would like to know that that person exists.

another friend told me about the healing powers of simon & garfunkel. i've begun to appreciate them.

Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers
Just a come on from the whores on seventh avenue
I do declare there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there
La la la la la la la
Lie la lie

life is one big sobriety test

walk in a straight line.
we need to see you are normal.